Monday, October 17, 2016

Today's the day

Greetings Earthlings!  I assume no one else reads this blog - and that's perfectly fine with me. I just need this as a journal.  Period.  Not to make friends, and not to help anyone but myself RIGHT NOW.

So, with that being said, today is Day 1.  Like "D" day...today's the day.  I have gained, lost, gained, lost.  I went from being comfortable to being uncomfortable and worse...MISERABLE.  I've said the same sob story for awhile, so I'm over it and only going forward.

I'm in the middle of making some SMART goals, and hopefully tomorrow I will be tracking them right here.  But, this week, this day...the goal is to stick with my planned and prepped foods.  Say no to the laziness that WILL creep in, and just eat what we have planned!

OH, and I should mention I joined Healthy Wage .  My goal is simple and do-able.  I waged $35/month for 6 months that I can lose 35lbs!  So stinking doable!  I thought maybe that would be incentive.  When I finish those 6 months and "win"...I will be pocketing $702!  It's a huge incentive!

Tomorrow I plan to update more, so if you are reading this...come back tomorrow.  If nothing is updated...pester me!  I need this for accountability!  LOL!!!

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Life passing by

I realized this past weekend that I am letting life go by me, while I'm hiding at home.  I never thought I would say that again.  For awhile, I blamed my social anxiety and fears.  But, I actually came to realize that's not just the case.  It may be some, but definitely not all.

The boyfriend was invited to a Pirate Party Bash of one of his clients this past Saturday.  He told me about it during the week, and I kind of brushed it off.  I didn't think he'd actually want to go.  Come Saturday evening he remembered about the party...we giggled...and then he said the client said he should definitely go, since he had other friends coming that would definitely need his services.  I then realized he kind of wanted to go.  Panic sets in.  I have nothing to wear that fits, my hair hasn't been professionally done in over a year, and let's just say it... I'm fat.

I believe he saw the fear in my eyes, because he then says, "I really don't want to go - but my buddy is having a birthday party at his hangar, we should go to that!".

Gulp.

Ummm....I have only met a handful of his friends.  We have been together for about a year and a half, but I haven't met them all - and this is one friend I haven't met.

Thoughts in my head ... he is younger than me by 8 years, that means his friends - including women - are 8 + years younger than me.  They're still young and vibrant and full of life.  I'm 40, feeling extremely fat and unhealthy, super depressed... and honestly, I don't want to embarrass him.

Yeah...I said it.  I don't want to embarrass him because of how much I weigh, and what I look like.

Tears.

Me - "I don't feel like going, I don't know any of those people, and I would feel uncomfortable.  I'm just tired, can we stay home instead?"

This puts me in even more depression.  I turned life away.  Instead of just getting dressed and going with it, meeting his friends... I said no.

Tears again now....

I'm not sure how I got to this point, considering not too long ago I was healthy, fit and felt great about myself and took pride in how I looked.  Now I struggle with getting out of bed every morning, the chore of getting ready and just not feeling attractive or my best.

It's time to stop this madness.  This crazy sickness.  It's time to get back to me...the me I want to be.

BUT.... this week I have joined a new challenge. It is only 6 weeks...and I hope it's the jump start I NEED.  It's going to be eating clean, 5-6 small meals/day, lifting heavy, with less cardio.

This means I'm going to have to get comfortable in the gym again.  That's super hard because of how I feel about myself now...but I won't get anywhere staying where I am at, except more depressed and heavier.  I'm OVER IT!

I have been doing Weight Watchers at Work, and it's been great.  It's helped me get back into the swing of eating better, and keeping portion sizes in check.  My goal is to hit 5% by the end of it's 12 weeks, which is 2 more weigh ins I believe.  I am 3.5lbs away from hitting it!!!!

My real struggle... alcohol.

There I said it.

When the boyfriend and I got together, we drank lots.  I have cut that down majorly, but obviously not enough.  During the 6 week challenge I'm going to only allow it as a cheat once/week.  And honestly, it would be best if I cut it out the entire 6 weeks.  It's only 6 weeks.  I can do that!!!!  I know the alcohol has been a big contribution to the weight gain and feeling like NOT going to the gym (hangover!).  So, cutting it out will be SUPER hard, but necessary to be me again.

I plan to write another post with my challenge goals and stuff... but I wanted to get this written.  I needed to admit to myself (I treat this as a diary) that I am letting life go by because of my weight... and really see how unhappy this has made me.  In every aspect of my life.

Here's to letting that go - and getting better!!!

Monday, December 14, 2015

LOL!  I seriously have to laugh.  Sigh.  I had every intention of making this blog a priority.  For no one else but me.  So I could get some feelings out that need to, to be able to vent and or whine when I need, to hold MYSELF accountable.  Yeah...I guess the month shows that didn't happen.  I never say never, and I NEVER QUIT.

I had a terrible weekend.  I cried so much.  I felt so shitty (SORRY!).  I do not feel like myself.

Here are a few reasons:

I stopped taking my antidepressant
I quit smoking 1 week ago (COLD TURKEY!)
I am at the latter half of my cycle (meaning next week AF)
I am up 56lbs
I have NOTHING to wear
My face shows all my weight
Stress from Christmas

See, everything rolled all into one big sloppy sappy ball.

I snapped at the boyfriend too many times.  I'm having fears he is falling out of love with me (past relationship history makes me feel this way).  Sigh.  He at one point says to me, "You just either want to argue with me, or bitch".  It broke me.

I ate my feelings.  I couldn't get full.  I craved crap.  And that's a HUGE reason I'm where I'm at...56lbs heavier!!!  Triple cheeseburgers, Holiday pies, Mexican, etc etc.  I started Friday off really well with dinner...but then we had a few drinks, and I snowballed the rest of the weekend.

I woke up this morning praying.  Asking God to please help me.  I want to be successful.  More than anything I want to be happy again.  I am NOT happy now.  I'm miserable.  Constantly thinking about my fat gut, and wondering how on earth can the boyfriend be attracted to me.  Sigh.  MISERABLE.

After praying I knew I had to give it my all.
Just one day.
Just one step at a time.

So today my goals have been:

Track/journal
Drink 120oz water to FLUSH
WORKOUT

I am soooooo happy to say I am doing it!  I am tracking, eating healthy foods, I'm at 100oz so far, AND I WORKED OUT!!!!!!!  GULP!  I DID IT!  I will admit I didn't want to.  Almost talked myself out of it.  But I put my big girl panties on and went and did it.  I KNEW it was going to be a good mood setter... I KNEW it would help.  And it did!!!!

C25k/C210k Week 1 Day 1 = 30 mins
Leg workout from Kelsey Byers = 30 mins

HOLY COW...this workout today showed me how out of shape I have gotten.  But it also was nice knowing I ran, and I'm not going to smoke later today!  It's not counteractive!  LOL!!

I can do this.  I have done this before.  NOTHING but ME is stopping me.

Tomorrow is our Christmas lunch at work.  It's a gourmet buffet.  I will try my best.  But it's just ONE meal.  I'm not letting it derail me.  It's ONE MEAL!  I also am hoping I can motivate myself to get up a little early and workout.  If not I will try my best to workout after work.

This time of year is very busy.  We all have so many reasons why we can't workout.  I am tired of my excuses.  





Thursday, November 19, 2015

Weigh Day

Follow my blog with Bloglovin I lost 2lbs today. I will take it. I know most of it was water and just flushing my body out since Tuesday...but I am happy to see a loss. Especially considering we ate spaghetti for dinner last night, I drank a few beers, had some pizza rolls (after the beers!), and went to bed late. I did at least get a good workout in yesterday (and I'm sore today!), drank my water and got my steps in. All in all, not a bad day!!! I am still thinking of joining the dietbet, but haven't made a decision yet. More to come later.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I am worth it!

Hmmm...where to begin?  Yeah, I'm not quite sure - just that I let myself go, regained, and have been trying to refocus.  It's a daily struggle.  So I thought, maybe if I blogged again - that might help.

I am up in weight, and down in the dumps.  That's the truth.  I'm mad I would let myself go...slowly, but surely.  Once you start eating a little extra here, a little extra there, and then wondering why you aren't losing anymore..... and then stop working out and the pounds start adding instead of maintaining...yea well the light bulb came on.

Not soon enough though.

Sure, I kept trying.  Every day was a new day.  But as honest as I can get, it sucks.

It sucks having to "watch" what I eat.  Having to track, count points (or calories - yea I even tried that...oh and macros too!), say no to foods and drinks that "everyone" else gets to eat.  It sucks.

It sucks having to go home as a single Mom to 2 little men, work on homework, plan and fix dinner, do all the household chores.  It sucks.

It even still sucks when you find the "right" guy.  I mean...I still am struggling.  I tried blaming the 50+lbs gain on a happy relationship.

I blamed it on the medicine my Dr put me on.

Deep down...I know what to do.  Life is tough, it sucks, and I am the only one that can take control and make ME happy!  I'm the only one who can eat the right foods, workout, I am the one in charge.

I turned 40 on Sunday.  I was supposed to be Fit By Forty.
I didn't make it.  I gave up...gave up on ME.  How sad.

BUT you know what... now is the time.  I'm giving it my all again.  I'm trying my best to find that spark.  To find that motivation I once had.  I want to feel good about myself again.

Currently contemplating on joining  #NoFatPants Holiday DietBet.  I admit, I have played a few, and NEVER won any.  I can give you all the sob story reasons why I sucked...but why?  LOL!!!  Maybe joining one will help me stay accountable during this tough time of year.  I know I need something.  I really want to be under where I started 2015.  I want 2016 to start off on a better foot for sure!!!!  

Day by day Mandie.  Bite by bite.

I AM WORTH IT!!!!!!

Monday, January 5, 2015

Here's to 2015

I still can't believe it's been more than a year since I last wrote on my blog.  That just doesn't even seem right?!!!

But in all honesty, since stopping blogging, I obviously stopped focusing on myself and my health.  I went through some very tough times.  A very abusive relationship. Figuring out how to raise my boys as a single Mom.  Just juggling everything all at once.  It was tough.

I lost myself.  I have since regained 23lbs since my last post.  I maintained in the 170's for nearly a year.  And then.....  I met this amazing man.  Yes... after a terrible year of an abusive horrible relationship, I found real love.  Wouldn't you know that after we started dating...I gained more weight?!!!  My friends call it the Love Chub.... whatever it is, it is for the birds!!!!

For the first time since...well, I don't even remember... I am back in the 200's and uh huh...that aint happening!!!!!

I am ready.  I am focused.  I am prepared.  I am happy.  I am loved.  I am DOING THIS because I am worth it.  I miss myself.  I miss how awesome I feel when I get my sweat on.  I miss how yummy good REAL food tastes.  I miss just being ME.  The happy healthy me!!!!!!!!

So, here, in 2015 I am ready to tackle this again.  I know how to do it.  I don't know how much I will blog, but I do believe that writing all this out seemed to help me tremendously... so I hope/plan to write a couple of blogs a week at least.  I miss it.

With all that being said, Happy New Year... and who's joining me?????

  

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Update, recap, lotsa pictures!

Yeah...I know, I'm not a good "keeping-up-to-date" blogger.  I get busy, I don't have anything to write about, no one reads, excuse excuse excuse.  I should do it JUST to hold me accountable.

Anywho...




Weigh in on Friday... well I amazingly lost weight, but not much.  0.4lb.  I will take it considering I had a drink fest over the weekend - oh yea and tons of food

2 weeks ago (11/1):  179.4
Last week (11/8):  177.4
This week (well last week technically 11/15):  177

I didn't meet my birthday goal of being under 175... but it's a loss.  Womp Womp.

I really did try, but honestly after looking at my Value Diary...yeah, not so much.  I lie to myself, and that's a huge problem.  Gotta stop the lying!!!

Last Wednesday I took the kiddos to the skating rink for a birthday party.  And this Momma actually put skates on and amazingly did NOT fall!  Whew.!!!


I was able to get in a few evening runs on the trusty, boring, ugh-do-I-have-to Dreadmill...  but still didn't meet my Pile On the Miles goal of 7lbs (UGH!).





I had a wonderful weekend with friends and family for my birthday...which of course resulted in lots of drinking and more damn food.  Blah!!!  So now I have to kick ass again this week to see ANYTHING on the scale gone.  Sigh.  I see a cycle.

I had Mexican on Friday with my Mom, best friend and all the kiddos... and yes, my little guy informed our waiter immediately that it was my birthday and I wanted to wear the Sombrero .  Yikes!

I then had an "Open House" with professional karoke stuff at my house so my friends could drop in whenever they wanted and sing while I didn't have to drive anywhere (i.e. I could drink like a fish and sing all night long!).  LOL!!!

Saturday my besties and I went to a Euchre Tournament which was a pitch in and another drink fest.  It was a lot of fun....


(I'm bottom right... this is what we call the Fab 5)
Euchre tournament winner in the middle (LOL)
 On Sunday my out-of-town friends left and I went grocery shopping after making my meal plan for the week.  Focused to get back on track and not let the weekend of eating and drinking detour me (SIX WEEKS until my 12 week goal and NYE).

Scary storms and tornadoes ripped through our state, and unfortunately the town where my little men were with their Daddy.  Thankful Daddy had a basement for them all to take cover in, because a tornado went through and flattened half of the town.  Talk about one scared Momma!  And my little men were terrified to say the least.

Sunday evening after the boys got home, we went to my parents house where my Mom slaved over my favorite healthy crockpot meal (Chicken Noodle Soup) and made me an Angel Lush cake.  (She even made the actual angel food cake).   She tries SO hard to help me stay on track.
The healthy cake my Momma made me for my 38th birthday!


My parents bought me an AWESOME camping hammock...we are a camping family!  I have a PopUp and my parents have an RV... we LOVE camping!


AND (because I seriously asked for it!).............(Tomorrow maybe I"ll give you my review after the first time wearing it!  LOL!)


Moving Comfort Juno Sports Bra.... I desperately needed this!!!



Some new, yummy healthy recipes I've made this past week... quick Italian Turkey Soup (Six Sisters) and Pumpkin Protein Bars





And everyone needs a selife.....



REMINDER TO SELF (even if selfies don't show the truth)