Thursday, April 7, 2016

Life passing by

I realized this past weekend that I am letting life go by me, while I'm hiding at home.  I never thought I would say that again.  For awhile, I blamed my social anxiety and fears.  But, I actually came to realize that's not just the case.  It may be some, but definitely not all.

The boyfriend was invited to a Pirate Party Bash of one of his clients this past Saturday.  He told me about it during the week, and I kind of brushed it off.  I didn't think he'd actually want to go.  Come Saturday evening he remembered about the party...we giggled...and then he said the client said he should definitely go, since he had other friends coming that would definitely need his services.  I then realized he kind of wanted to go.  Panic sets in.  I have nothing to wear that fits, my hair hasn't been professionally done in over a year, and let's just say it... I'm fat.

I believe he saw the fear in my eyes, because he then says, "I really don't want to go - but my buddy is having a birthday party at his hangar, we should go to that!".


Ummm....I have only met a handful of his friends.  We have been together for about a year and a half, but I haven't met them all - and this is one friend I haven't met.

Thoughts in my head ... he is younger than me by 8 years, that means his friends - including women - are 8 + years younger than me.  They're still young and vibrant and full of life.  I'm 40, feeling extremely fat and unhealthy, super depressed... and honestly, I don't want to embarrass him.

Yeah...I said it.  I don't want to embarrass him because of how much I weigh, and what I look like.


Me - "I don't feel like going, I don't know any of those people, and I would feel uncomfortable.  I'm just tired, can we stay home instead?"

This puts me in even more depression.  I turned life away.  Instead of just getting dressed and going with it, meeting his friends... I said no.

Tears again now....

I'm not sure how I got to this point, considering not too long ago I was healthy, fit and felt great about myself and took pride in how I looked.  Now I struggle with getting out of bed every morning, the chore of getting ready and just not feeling attractive or my best.

It's time to stop this madness.  This crazy sickness.  It's time to get back to me...the me I want to be.

BUT.... this week I have joined a new challenge. It is only 6 weeks...and I hope it's the jump start I NEED.  It's going to be eating clean, 5-6 small meals/day, lifting heavy, with less cardio.

This means I'm going to have to get comfortable in the gym again.  That's super hard because of how I feel about myself now...but I won't get anywhere staying where I am at, except more depressed and heavier.  I'm OVER IT!

I have been doing Weight Watchers at Work, and it's been great.  It's helped me get back into the swing of eating better, and keeping portion sizes in check.  My goal is to hit 5% by the end of it's 12 weeks, which is 2 more weigh ins I believe.  I am 3.5lbs away from hitting it!!!!

My real struggle... alcohol.

There I said it.

When the boyfriend and I got together, we drank lots.  I have cut that down majorly, but obviously not enough.  During the 6 week challenge I'm going to only allow it as a cheat once/week.  And honestly, it would be best if I cut it out the entire 6 weeks.  It's only 6 weeks.  I can do that!!!!  I know the alcohol has been a big contribution to the weight gain and feeling like NOT going to the gym (hangover!).  So, cutting it out will be SUPER hard, but necessary to be me again.

I plan to write another post with my challenge goals and stuff... but I wanted to get this written.  I needed to admit to myself (I treat this as a diary) that I am letting life go by because of my weight... and really see how unhappy this has made me.  In every aspect of my life.

Here's to letting that go - and getting better!!!

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