LOL!  I seriously have to laugh.  Sigh.  I had every intention of making this blog a priority.  For no one else but me.  So I could get some feelings out that need to, to be able to vent and or whine when I need, to hold MYSELF accountable.  Yeah...I guess the month shows that didn't happen.  I never say never, and I NEVER QUIT.

I had a terrible weekend.  I cried so much.  I felt so shitty (SORRY!).  I do not feel like myself.

Here are a few reasons:

I stopped taking my antidepressant
I quit smoking 1 week ago (COLD TURKEY!)
I am at the latter half of my cycle (meaning next week AF)
I am up 56lbs
I have NOTHING to wear
My face shows all my weight
Stress from Christmas

See, everything rolled all into one big sloppy sappy ball.

I snapped at the boyfriend too many times.  I'm having fears he is falling out of love with me (past relationship history makes me feel this way).  Sigh.  He at one point says to me, "You just either want to argue with me, or bitch".  It broke me.

I ate my feelings.  I couldn't get full.  I craved crap.  And that's a HUGE reason I'm where I'm at...56lbs heavier!!!  Triple cheeseburgers, Holiday pies, Mexican, etc etc.  I started Friday off really well with dinner...but then we had a few drinks, and I snowballed the rest of the weekend.

I woke up this morning praying.  Asking God to please help me.  I want to be successful.  More than anything I want to be happy again.  I am NOT happy now.  I'm miserable.  Constantly thinking about my fat gut, and wondering how on earth can the boyfriend be attracted to me.  Sigh.  MISERABLE.

After praying I knew I had to give it my all.
Just one day.
Just one step at a time.

So today my goals have been:

Track/journal
Drink 120oz water to FLUSH
WORKOUT

I am soooooo happy to say I am doing it!  I am tracking, eating healthy foods, I'm at 100oz so far, AND I WORKED OUT!!!!!!!  GULP!  I DID IT!  I will admit I didn't want to.  Almost talked myself out of it.  But I put my big girl panties on and went and did it.  I KNEW it was going to be a good mood setter... I KNEW it would help.  And it did!!!!

C25k/C210k Week 1 Day 1 = 30 mins
Leg workout from Kelsey Byers = 30 mins

HOLY COW...this workout today showed me how out of shape I have gotten.  But it also was nice knowing I ran, and I'm not going to smoke later today!  It's not counteractive!  LOL!!

I can do this.  I have done this before.  NOTHING but ME is stopping me.

Tomorrow is our Christmas lunch at work.  It's a gourmet buffet.  I will try my best.  But it's just ONE meal.  I'm not letting it derail me.  It's ONE MEAL!  I also am hoping I can motivate myself to get up a little early and workout.  If not I will try my best to workout after work.

This time of year is very busy.  We all have so many reasons why we can't workout.  I am tired of my excuses.  

Weigh Day

Follow my blog with Bloglovin I lost 2lbs today. I will take it. I know most of it was water and just flushing my body out since Tuesday...but I am happy to see a loss. Especially considering we ate spaghetti for dinner last night, I drank a few beers, had some pizza rolls (after the beers!), and went to bed late. I did at least get a good workout in yesterday (and I'm sore today!), drank my water and got my steps in. All in all, not a bad day!!! I am still thinking of joining the dietbet, but haven't made a decision yet. More to come later.

I am worth it!

Hmmm...where to begin?  Yeah, I'm not quite sure - just that I let myself go, regained, and have been trying to refocus.  It's a daily struggle.  So I thought, maybe if I blogged again - that might help.

I am up in weight, and down in the dumps.  That's the truth.  I'm mad I would let myself go...slowly, but surely.  Once you start eating a little extra here, a little extra there, and then wondering why you aren't losing anymore..... and then stop working out and the pounds start adding instead of maintaining...yea well the light bulb came on.

Not soon enough though.

Sure, I kept trying.  Every day was a new day.  But as honest as I can get, it sucks.

It sucks having to "watch" what I eat.  Having to track, count points (or calories - yea I even tried that...oh and macros too!), say no to foods and drinks that "everyone" else gets to eat.  It sucks.

It sucks having to go home as a single Mom to 2 little men, work on homework, plan and fix dinner, do all the household chores.  It sucks.

It even still sucks when you find the "right" guy.  I mean...I still am struggling.  I tried blaming the 50+lbs gain on a happy relationship.

I blamed it on the medicine my Dr put me on.

Deep down...I know what to do.  Life is tough, it sucks, and I am the only one that can take control and make ME happy!  I'm the only one who can eat the right foods, workout, I am the one in charge.

I turned 40 on Sunday.  I was supposed to be Fit By Forty.
I didn't make it.  I gave up...gave up on ME.  How sad.

BUT you know what... now is the time.  I'm giving it my all again.  I'm trying my best to find that spark.  To find that motivation I once had.  I want to feel good about myself again.

Currently contemplating on joining  #NoFatPants Holiday DietBet.  I admit, I have played a few, and NEVER won any.  I can give you all the sob story reasons why I sucked...but why?  LOL!!!  Maybe joining one will help me stay accountable during this tough time of year.  I know I need something.  I really want to be under where I started 2015.  I want 2016 to start off on a better foot for sure!!!!  

Day by day Mandie.  Bite by bite.

I AM WORTH IT!!!!!!

Here's to 2015

I still can't believe it's been more than a year since I last wrote on my blog.  That just doesn't even seem right?!!!

But in all honesty, since stopping blogging, I obviously stopped focusing on myself and my health.  I went through some very tough times.  A very abusive relationship. Figuring out how to raise my boys as a single Mom.  Just juggling everything all at once.  It was tough.

I lost myself.  I have since regained 23lbs since my last post.  I maintained in the 170's for nearly a year.  And then.....  I met this amazing man.  Yes... after a terrible year of an abusive horrible relationship, I found real love.  Wouldn't you know that after we started dating...I gained more weight?!!!  My friends call it the Love Chub.... whatever it is, it is for the birds!!!!

For the first time since...well, I don't even remember... I am back in the 200's and uh huh...that aint happening!!!!!

I am ready.  I am focused.  I am prepared.  I am happy.  I am loved.  I am DOING THIS because I am worth it.  I miss myself.  I miss how awesome I feel when I get my sweat on.  I miss how yummy good REAL food tastes.  I miss just being ME.  The happy healthy me!!!!!!!!

So, here, in 2015 I am ready to tackle this again.  I know how to do it.  I don't know how much I will blog, but I do believe that writing all this out seemed to help me tremendously... so I hope/plan to write a couple of blogs a week at least.  I miss it.

With all that being said, Happy New Year... and who's joining me?????