75 Hard - Goals - I am alive!

Never mind how long ago it was since my last post.  And you can go ahead and disregard the fact I'm making SLOW progress.  Progress is progress....

Finding the best platform for me isn't easy.  I've done Instagram, Facebook, and even the Connect on my WW app.  Yet, none of those make it easy for me to get my words out like blogging.  It's almost like a diary for me.  I know, blogging is probably a dying platform.  But until then, let me do it.

For starters, I did a thing.  I completed the #75Hard challenge created by Andy Frisella.  Every day there were tasks that had to be completed for 75 days.  And, if you notice it's not just the 75 day challenge, it's the 75 HARD.  

It was not easy.  

And I will admit, I was not "perfect".  BUT, I still consider that I COMPLETED it.  

2 workouts/day, follow a diet plan, drink a gallon of water, no cheat meals/no alcohol, daily progress picture, and 10 pages of reading (nonfiction).  

There were days I did not want to workout.  There were days I REALLY wanted a drink!  There were days I just wanted to call it quits and say SCREW IT...but I didn't.  I lost almost 13 pounds, but I gained much more than the loss.  I got back in the routine of working out daily, walking more than sitting, I drink water, I learned so much while reading.  I got my health back.  

The pandemic had not been my friend.  I gained literally the "Covid-19".  I was drinking daily.  My legs had started swelling at night.  My skin was dry and places like my knee caps were blackening.  I had heartburn DAILY.  My skin looked terrible, and I had acne like a teenager.  I couldn't sleep comfortably.  I just felt horrible.  Inside and out.  

Then someone I followed on Instagram kept talking about this 75Hard Challenge.  I could see her glowing.  Her reasons she listed, were ALL the reasons I needed to do this.  So, I asked my friend (who also is my BeachBody coach) if she was interested in doing it with me.  Surprisingly she was, so we DID IT!!!    

I am so thrilled to have my health back.  And to have regained the things I had slowly lost sight of....BONUS.  

Drinking my water, and eating the right foods for my body (HEALTHY FOODS) are a huge part of who I am and want for my family.  If I have the "I don't care" attitude, then what am I teaching them?  My body is the ONE thing I truly have control over.  What I do with it, what I put in it, how I treat it...these are all up to ME.  The weight loss was a benefit and the reason I wanted to do the 75Hard Challenge, but honestly just getting those healthy habits back in my life was my top priority!    

I plan to do it again, with some tweaks for ME, after the first of the year.  But for now, I'm just going to use the habits I have gained to get through the holidays, and the remainder of 2020.  I still have some hefty goals, so the habits I gained (relearned) will come in handy.  

With all that being said, I am coming up on the end of a Dietbet.  Not sure I will reach my goal, but I'm not giving up.  This is one of the reasons I decided to blog.  I need to write out my goals, so that I can hold myself accountable.  

My goals for this week (with my Dietbet ending on Sunday Nov 15th - which is ALSO my birthday):

• TRACK TRACK TRACK!  If you don't track, you don't know where you're screwing up! LOL
• Get 4 Blue Dots (WW)  It was my goal last week, and I Failed miserably
• Drink a gallon of water - I dropped down to 96oz...but I really do need the gallon
• MOVE MOVE MOVE - continue with my daily Beachbody workouts (Turbo Fire) 
• aim for 15k steps/day!

What about you - have any goals this week?

A brand new me!

My life has changed so much... but the biggest one is that I had a baby girl 5 months ago.  She is everything I had ever hoped for in a daughter.  It wasn't a planned pregnancy, but she is so very loved. 

I, unfortunately, gained a lot of weight and here I am doing my best to get back on the wagon.  I am currently paying for online Weight Watchers, and also am doing BeachBody (on Demand).  I am drinking Chocolate Vegan Shakeology, and it's delicious.

I admit, I'm struggling...but I won't give up.  I MUST become a better version of me.  I want to be healthy to live a long life for my kiddos.  I also want to teach them a healthy lifestyle. 

The goal here is maybe this will help get me back in the groove, and get me back to where I once was.  Something to hold me truly accountable. 

Today's the day

Greetings Earthlings!  I assume no one else reads this blog - and that's perfectly fine with me. I just need this as a journal.  Period.  Not to make friends, and not to help anyone but myself RIGHT NOW.

So, with that being said, today is Day 1.  Like "D" day...today's the day.  I have gained, lost, gained, lost.  I went from being comfortable to being uncomfortable and worse...MISERABLE.  I've said the same sob story for awhile, so I'm over it and only going forward.

I'm in the middle of making some SMART goals, and hopefully tomorrow I will be tracking them right here.  But, this week, this day...the goal is to stick with my planned and prepped foods.  Say no to the laziness that WILL creep in, and just eat what we have planned!

OH, and I should mention I joined Healthy Wage .  My goal is simple and do-able.  I waged $35/month for 6 months that I can lose 35lbs!  So stinking doable!  I thought maybe that would be incentive.  When I finish those 6 months and "win"...I will be pocketing $702!  It's a huge incentive!

Tomorrow I plan to update more, so if you are reading this...come back tomorrow.  If nothing is updated...pester me!  I need this for accountability!  LOL!!!

Life passing by

I realized this past weekend that I am letting life go by me, while I'm hiding at home.  I never thought I would say that again.  For awhile, I blamed my social anxiety and fears.  But, I actually came to realize that's not just the case.  It may be some, but definitely not all.

The boyfriend was invited to a Pirate Party Bash of one of his clients this past Saturday.  He told me about it during the week, and I kind of brushed it off.  I didn't think he'd actually want to go.  Come Saturday evening he remembered about the party...we giggled...and then he said the client said he should definitely go, since he had other friends coming that would definitely need his services.  I then realized he kind of wanted to go.  Panic sets in.  I have nothing to wear that fits, my hair hasn't been professionally done in over a year, and let's just say it... I'm fat.

I believe he saw the fear in my eyes, because he then says, "I really don't want to go - but my buddy is having a birthday party at his hangar, we should go to that!".

Gulp.

Ummm....I have only met a handful of his friends.  We have been together for about a year and a half, but I haven't met them all - and this is one friend I haven't met.

Thoughts in my head ... he is younger than me by 8 years, that means his friends - including women - are 8 + years younger than me.  They're still young and vibrant and full of life.  I'm 40, feeling extremely fat and unhealthy, super depressed... and honestly, I don't want to embarrass him.

Yeah...I said it.  I don't want to embarrass him because of how much I weigh, and what I look like.

Tears.

Me - "I don't feel like going, I don't know any of those people, and I would feel uncomfortable.  I'm just tired, can we stay home instead?"

This puts me in even more depression.  I turned life away.  Instead of just getting dressed and going with it, meeting his friends... I said no.

Tears again now....

I'm not sure how I got to this point, considering not too long ago I was healthy, fit and felt great about myself and took pride in how I looked.  Now I struggle with getting out of bed every morning, the chore of getting ready and just not feeling attractive or my best.

It's time to stop this madness.  This crazy sickness.  It's time to get back to me...the me I want to be.

BUT.... this week I have joined a new challenge. It is only 6 weeks...and I hope it's the jump start I NEED.  It's going to be eating clean, 5-6 small meals/day, lifting heavy, with less cardio.

This means I'm going to have to get comfortable in the gym again.  That's super hard because of how I feel about myself now...but I won't get anywhere staying where I am at, except more depressed and heavier.  I'm OVER IT!

I have been doing Weight Watchers at Work, and it's been great.  It's helped me get back into the swing of eating better, and keeping portion sizes in check.  My goal is to hit 5% by the end of it's 12 weeks, which is 2 more weigh ins I believe.  I am 3.5lbs away from hitting it!!!!

My real struggle... alcohol.

There I said it.

When the boyfriend and I got together, we drank lots.  I have cut that down majorly, but obviously not enough.  During the 6 week challenge I'm going to only allow it as a cheat once/week.  And honestly, it would be best if I cut it out the entire 6 weeks.  It's only 6 weeks.  I can do that!!!!  I know the alcohol has been a big contribution to the weight gain and feeling like NOT going to the gym (hangover!).  So, cutting it out will be SUPER hard, but necessary to be me again.

I plan to write another post with my challenge goals and stuff... but I wanted to get this written.  I needed to admit to myself (I treat this as a diary) that I am letting life go by because of my weight... and really see how unhappy this has made me.  In every aspect of my life.

Here's to letting that go - and getting better!!!

LOL!  I seriously have to laugh.  Sigh.  I had every intention of making this blog a priority.  For no one else but me.  So I could get some feelings out that need to, to be able to vent and or whine when I need, to hold MYSELF accountable.  Yeah...I guess the month shows that didn't happen.  I never say never, and I NEVER QUIT.

I had a terrible weekend.  I cried so much.  I felt so shitty (SORRY!).  I do not feel like myself.

Here are a few reasons:

I stopped taking my antidepressant
I quit smoking 1 week ago (COLD TURKEY!)
I am at the latter half of my cycle (meaning next week AF)
I am up 56lbs
I have NOTHING to wear
My face shows all my weight
Stress from Christmas

See, everything rolled all into one big sloppy sappy ball.

I snapped at the boyfriend too many times.  I'm having fears he is falling out of love with me (past relationship history makes me feel this way).  Sigh.  He at one point says to me, "You just either want to argue with me, or bitch".  It broke me.

I ate my feelings.  I couldn't get full.  I craved crap.  And that's a HUGE reason I'm where I'm at...56lbs heavier!!!  Triple cheeseburgers, Holiday pies, Mexican, etc etc.  I started Friday off really well with dinner...but then we had a few drinks, and I snowballed the rest of the weekend.

I woke up this morning praying.  Asking God to please help me.  I want to be successful.  More than anything I want to be happy again.  I am NOT happy now.  I'm miserable.  Constantly thinking about my fat gut, and wondering how on earth can the boyfriend be attracted to me.  Sigh.  MISERABLE.

After praying I knew I had to give it my all.
Just one day.
Just one step at a time.

So today my goals have been:

Track/journal
Drink 120oz water to FLUSH
WORKOUT

I am soooooo happy to say I am doing it!  I am tracking, eating healthy foods, I'm at 100oz so far, AND I WORKED OUT!!!!!!!  GULP!  I DID IT!  I will admit I didn't want to.  Almost talked myself out of it.  But I put my big girl panties on and went and did it.  I KNEW it was going to be a good mood setter... I KNEW it would help.  And it did!!!!

C25k/C210k Week 1 Day 1 = 30 mins
Leg workout from Kelsey Byers = 30 mins

HOLY COW...this workout today showed me how out of shape I have gotten.  But it also was nice knowing I ran, and I'm not going to smoke later today!  It's not counteractive!  LOL!!

I can do this.  I have done this before.  NOTHING but ME is stopping me.

Tomorrow is our Christmas lunch at work.  It's a gourmet buffet.  I will try my best.  But it's just ONE meal.  I'm not letting it derail me.  It's ONE MEAL!  I also am hoping I can motivate myself to get up a little early and workout.  If not I will try my best to workout after work.

This time of year is very busy.  We all have so many reasons why we can't workout.  I am tired of my excuses.  

Weigh Day

Follow my blog with Bloglovin I lost 2lbs today. I will take it. I know most of it was water and just flushing my body out since Tuesday...but I am happy to see a loss. Especially considering we ate spaghetti for dinner last night, I drank a few beers, had some pizza rolls (after the beers!), and went to bed late. I did at least get a good workout in yesterday (and I'm sore today!), drank my water and got my steps in. All in all, not a bad day!!! I am still thinking of joining the dietbet, but haven't made a decision yet. More to come later.

I am worth it!

Hmmm...where to begin?  Yeah, I'm not quite sure - just that I let myself go, regained, and have been trying to refocus.  It's a daily struggle.  So I thought, maybe if I blogged again - that might help.

I am up in weight, and down in the dumps.  That's the truth.  I'm mad I would let myself go...slowly, but surely.  Once you start eating a little extra here, a little extra there, and then wondering why you aren't losing anymore..... and then stop working out and the pounds start adding instead of maintaining...yea well the light bulb came on.

Not soon enough though.

Sure, I kept trying.  Every day was a new day.  But as honest as I can get, it sucks.

It sucks having to "watch" what I eat.  Having to track, count points (or calories - yea I even tried that...oh and macros too!), say no to foods and drinks that "everyone" else gets to eat.  It sucks.

It sucks having to go home as a single Mom to 2 little men, work on homework, plan and fix dinner, do all the household chores.  It sucks.

It even still sucks when you find the "right" guy.  I mean...I still am struggling.  I tried blaming the 50+lbs gain on a happy relationship.

I blamed it on the medicine my Dr put me on.

Deep down...I know what to do.  Life is tough, it sucks, and I am the only one that can take control and make ME happy!  I'm the only one who can eat the right foods, workout, I am the one in charge.

I turned 40 on Sunday.  I was supposed to be Fit By Forty.
I didn't make it.  I gave up...gave up on ME.  How sad.

BUT you know what... now is the time.  I'm giving it my all again.  I'm trying my best to find that spark.  To find that motivation I once had.  I want to feel good about myself again.

Currently contemplating on joining  #NoFatPants Holiday DietBet.  I admit, I have played a few, and NEVER won any.  I can give you all the sob story reasons why I sucked...but why?  LOL!!!  Maybe joining one will help me stay accountable during this tough time of year.  I know I need something.  I really want to be under where I started 2015.  I want 2016 to start off on a better foot for sure!!!!  

Day by day Mandie.  Bite by bite.

I AM WORTH IT!!!!!!